Episode 3: Konichiwa, Bitches

Hey Jake.

I don't know if I can be funny tonight. I think you've completely drained it from me.

I feel deceived a little bit. I just can't understand how you could do something like this.

Couldn't you tell the producers to show up to the house early enough to tell Kathryn to take her glasses off, or for Elizabeth to pancake over her freckles? Those bitches looked so fug!

You can't just keep kissing all of these girls who want to kiss you. Are you serious? They'll get jealous! Look at Elizabeth! Look at Ali! Look at Michelle! Don't you care about their feelings at all? It's not OK! You're supposed to be traditional, you classless fuck.

I've just got two words for you, just two words: Jon. Lovitz.

If you had convinced ABC to cut back on the candle budget, you might've been able to get Dan Aykroyd to host the group date. Throw me a bone, Pavelka. After all, you're not "using" it (even though Vienna was definitely feeling it through yr swimsuit in the pool).

Here's the thing, Jake: the writers are losing the thread of their storylines. Why force the antagonism with Vienna? Is she that horrible? If you want the audience to take Ali's side, then you can't just have Ali talking about how shitty Vienna is; you gotta show it too. The writers are smarter than that.

Oh oh, excuse me, I forgot. We're just seeing how much women really behave when men aren't around: they love each other while simultaneously stabbing each other in the back. (Maybe you can dig through outtakes and paste something together for Ep. 4; the editors are tighter than 'Flash on the turntables.)

But you may be wondering, dear Mr. White-Pants-Reactionary: why put up a pic of the glorious visage of Michelle, the Alex Forrest who just wanted to give her momma some fresh grandchildren to roast over an open fire? Because, my friend, you must stare at the consequences of your actions. Do you really think that by sending her home, you can eliminate the Clingy, Desperate Woman from the lexicon of the Eternal Feminine? Silly boy. You underestimate the powers of the ghost of Walt Disney. All's I'm saying is that if she comes after your future wife, make sure you keep her head under the bathwater until the bubbles stop.

As I write this, a single tear is descending De Beauvoir's cheek. Have a Keystone Light on me, honey.

(P.S. In addition to Michelle and Elizabeth holding their lighters up high for themselves, Valishia got the boot as well. I'm pretty sure her post-rose interview was the most footage of her used in all 3 episodes combined. Like, seriously: she seemed like a nice person. I bet Max, Clare, Jon, Laura, Gavin and Eric woulda had fun with her at Dave & Buster's. That's all's I'm sayin'.)