Episode 6: All Falls Down

I'm not sure if there is anything left in America that The Bachelor can pretend to love but by which it is secretly disgusted.

You got a classic American ethnic stereotype to hold up for cultural engraving? We will ingest it and shape the subsequent poo into this episode!

Noo Yawk Italian: Check. (The stepbrother even threatens to break Pavelka's legs if he breaks his stepsis's heart! Awwww! [I'm also pretty sure the stepbro' got rejected for the cast of Jersey Shore.)

Simple, hearty New Englander: Check. (I may have a soft spot for this one, though, for extremely perverse reasons.)

Vaguely hippy-ish 50-somethings from Oregon: Check. (Real Human Beings! Male tears! Awesome glasses! Artsy, I think! Is this what it's really like, Eric?)

Modern Florida Redneck with an Electra Complex: Check. (Jake really respects and admires Vienna's dad for essentially acting like a dick to him. Jake is such a good man!) I think Vienna's dad finally nailed the "welcome home" tears on take 4 or 5.

Gia and Ali's dads aren't in the picture. Tenley and Vienna's are. Jake asked their fathers for their daughters' hands in marriage. He did not do the same for Gia and Ali's moms. TRADITION! (Give it a real Jerry Bock kick, kid.)

And why is Ali gracing tonight's photo? 'Cause her job threatened to fire her if she didn't quit the show. And she just didn't know what to do! Awwwwwww! I think Jake wasn't able to get the "shocked and saddened" face just right until take 6.

More than any other episode thus far, I wonder if ABC and the show's producers, writers, editors & music supervisors were able to completely control narrative and meaning here. Sure, they threw some banjo music underneath Pavelka & Vienna's Everglades boat ride, and some nice faux Sinatra for his & Gia's midtown montage. But I'm not sure if they were able to effectively conceal just how awful a human being Jake really is.

The official narrative is Mr. Nice, Sweet, Loving, Loyal, Traditional Hercules. In fact, he is a conniving, manipulative, misogynistic, racist, lustful narcissist. He begged Ali not to go, despite the fact that he couldn't guarantee her that losing her job for him wouldn't be for nought. He acted warm, sincere, loyal, and monogamous to every single woman and their families. He was heartbroken one second, then excited and joyous for the final three women the next.

I thought episode 3 was difficult to write about. That ain't got shit on this.

I've seen what ABC wants me to understand is America. I have no more hope.

This blog has helped me healthily channel Davis Rage--those of you who know of it or have seen it require no further explanation. For those unfamiliar, pray that you never see it.

This episode unshackled Davis Rage. I'm very, very afraid.


(P.S. Ali is totally jockin' Blanchat's wristwatch style; what a ho'.)