Sunday, February 21, 2010

The women have arrived. Take a look at that photo. I'm pretty sure somebody fell alseep on the cloning button.

So, who are they?

Ali: From Massachusetts. She likes running down San Francisco streets in a loose dress. It's unclear whether she was wearing a bra.

Alexa: She orgasms when thinking about riding her motorcycle. She's blonde too.

Tenley: Apparently a dancer, but insists on doing it in a bikini. On the beach. While cooing. She also feels the need to mention that she was a virgin until her first marriage. This is a "family show," remember.

Elizabeth: She's an Air National Guardsman in DC. She looks, sounds, and acts like a real human being. She'll be denied a rose by Week 2, at the latest.

Rozlyn: She's a model. She mentions that some women tend to be catty. She's gonna be the drama-free one in the house, guaranteed. Blonde #3.

Christina: She's "a little bitchy." How long until she and Rozlyn start to dance? Xtina's also carrying some extra weight than the other women. Jake will certainly look past that. They'll look so good together in the minds of ABC. He is such a good guy.

Vienna: An unemployed, self-described "very intelligent 'marketing representative.'" Is that a real job? Or is she paid to "market" herself by strutting up and down the beach in a bikini? It is unclear at this point. Hopefully, Jake will get the right answers. Blonde #4.

Ashley: 29 years old, and her mother is still sending her care packages. I'm not talking about "found some old books of yours in the closet, and here are some homemade cookies and a great polenta soup recipe I just tried" kinds of care packages; they're more like "here are a whole closetful of low-cut dresses I just bought for you at Bloomie's so you can give that suitor of yours a 10-foot hard on, because goddammit, I'm 48 and I need grandchildren NOW" kinds of care packages. Come the fuck on.

Elizabeth #2: She's "not OK" watching a guy she's pursuing kiss other girls. Well, I guess you and your implants should've stayed home to bask on the beach during Magic Hour, alone.

Ella: A Tennessee belle lookin' for a stepfather for her tow-headed little boy. I quote: "I know what I want, and I will do anything to get it. He is coming home with me." This doesn't sound too traditional to me. But Jake is such a good man! Won't he love her because he pities her? She'll last 'till Week 3, only 'cause Jake's concerned about the Fatal Attraction potential.

Gia: NYC, motherfuckers. She seems healthy in interview, the usual high-class-ho exhibitionist in the "B-Roll." She could go far.

Kimberly: Another full-figured girl. But she's a dancer for the OK City Thunder.

Emily: Oh, she's sooo adorable. Gap-tooth!

Tiana: Pro for Jake: She's Canadian. Con for Jake/ABC: She's 31. Blonde #5.

Caitlyn: At this point in the montage, ABC's running outta time before they hit the commercial break, so I don't really know what she's about. Maybe a professional beauty queen?

Kirsten: "I will definitely become a bitch if someone pisses me off." Blonde #6.

Michelle: "I'm 25 and I am ready to be a wife." I don't think she gets out much.

The music, the cutting, the script; Barthes & Debord woulda had a field day with this shit.

The group is set. Now it's time for Jake to meet these "beautiful" ladies! (quotations don't apply for Elizabeth #1)

P.S. How much does that fake mansion cost to keep up on the ABC lot from season to season? I gotta get that fireplace DVD program they use.

P.P.S. I did not count 25 ladies....

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