Monday, March 1, 2010

The End

So that's it. It's all over. $20 and a DVD are mine. Boy do I feel special.

All things being equal, this was actually the most emotionally distraught week I've had in a long time. I stared into the abyss and somehow came out...not stronger, but at least not with deep scars.

Be sure to listen to the analysis of the whole project on The Alex and John Show:

I'm getting ready for my $100 and a digital projector for doing The Bachelorette this summer.

The Epilogue: "After the Final Rose"

9:06: Aw Chris, why're you doin' this to this poor Tenley girl?

9:08: I think Harrison gets off on this kind of sadism.

9:10: The Bachelor: Bloom County Edition. Dandelions instead of roses.

9:10: "I still can't figure it out...We never saw each other's playful sides." Maybe the most honest thing anyone's said on this show. Ah, I'm just kiddin'. They're all fuckin' idiots.

9:12: "I think you deserve some answers." Harrison is so hopin' for a BJ after the show.

9:15: I love how nobody says each other's last names on this show. Elementary school for grown-ups.

9:17: "You smell so good." Total Aspie's kid.

9:18: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! Bring on the mud and bikinis!

9:20: "That spark is just one of those mysterious things." He means that the producers wouldn't get paid from the tabloids to keep "The Florida Floozie" going if he rubbed it out (he) with Vienna.

9:21: Dodgin' the hard questions. Pavelka is the Dallas's very own Scott Brown in a few years.

9:21: Even the audience knows he's full of shit. And finally she knows too.

9:27: Will Jake suggest a 3some tonight?

9:28: "She is such a great friend." How easily these things can turn.

9:28: "Vienna's my baby." And so it begins...

9:29: "Something was telling me that something just wasn't right [with Tenley]." Those were the writers, bro.

9:30: "On a scale from 0 to Mesnick..." "I had my bannister scene." Whoopsie! We're peekin' behind the curtain! And all we see is Vienna's cha-cha.

9:32: I could show Pavelka a thing or 12 about "heat" and "passion." Get it? Yeah, you got it. Now go get me a sandwich.

9:37: This chick is gross.

9:38: "How does it feel to be out in public?" Have they been keeping her in a cage?

9:39: I never noticed before, but she's kind of cross-eyed.

9:40: All tabloid stories denied. "Not based on facts at all." Somebody shoulda told ABC, 'cause that's what they wanted.

9:42: She's been practicing a really good Kristen Wiig impression.

9:46: "We're gonna introduce the families." O man, Florida white trash + Texas bourgeois = pure. goddam. gold.


9:47: Now they're dancing. This is fuckin' awkward.

9:48: The old bastard's had to drop the key down a step. He'd better be makin' bank for this shit.

9:49: I want that karaoke background they got playing on the studio JumboTron.

9:50: Bachelorette announcement after break. You better be right, Simmons: I got five large ridin' on this.

9:53: YES. I love you, Simmons.

9:53: Now I can't chase that booty when I'm in SF.

9:54: She and Tenley are wearin' matching dresses. Who'll be Vienna's maid of honor?


7:05 p.m.: Pwetty pwetty sunsets, Jakey-wakey!

7:08: I still think that Tenley has Asperger's (either that or the tabloid stories about her manipulativeness are really true). In an outtake, a girl said she "shits rainbows." I hope they taste like Lucky Charms.

7:11: Let the traditionalism begin! She'll be a good, submissive wife! Papa Pavelka can't contain his tearful joy over this!

7:14: Mama Bear is apparently thrilled that she'll be the glue to hold the family together. Those with 3-inch pythons between their legs are apparently not up to the task.

7:18: I think there should be a drinking game for every time we hear "falling in love," "rest of my life," and "drop your cocks and grab your socks." O wait...that last one is what I whisper to my teddy bear...

7:22: Now it's Vienna's turn. Don't worry: the writers and editors made sure that we could never get a neutral view of "The Florida Floozie." Jake's 10-foot-stick-up-their-asses family already hates her.

7:25: "If she 'poked' at the other women, then I worry about the sister-in-laws." Seriously, ma? Who gives a ratfuck?

7:31: I mean, Vienna pretty much sucks. So it's nice to see that the writers are feeding the family with the passive-aggressive angle. I'm almost in Blondie's corner.

7:36: "I so judged her, and I'm feelin' guilty about that." Phew! It ain't locked down yet!

7:38: Mama Bear terrifies me. She wants to control all. RUN, VIENNA!

7:39: They're in St. Lucia. And yet they green-screen some of the backgrounds. I need to start a fundraiser for this show's budget.

7:41: The voice-over "interviews" are edited from about five different audio sources. They shouldn't've taken the mic's from a high school A/V club.

7:46: Who's the chemist in the room? How do sulfur and silicone react?

7:47: We should probably take two shots every time we hear "chemistry."

7:48: A half-shot for "feels so natural."

7:49: A double shot for every champagne toast in a place where one wonders how they got the booze there!

7:54: I'm pretty sure that those seven different resorts they're using is just one building from different angles.

7:56: I think I just saw the bug in his ear, feeding him those comeback lines.

7:57: How will Jake feel when, while boning Vienna, she yells "Daddy" and means it?

7:58: ABC: "OK, ladies, be sure to tell him that you love him." "OK, Jake, only say that you're falling in love with the women. Men don't have to love."

8:00: No shot for "this journey." Just punch yourself in the face three times.

8:04: "It's tough being in love with two women at the same time." I've said it before, I'll say it again: If this man drops lines like this on you at an airport bar, turn back to your Danielle Steele novel.

8:05: "Are we going on this boat? Oh my GOD!" BTW, they were walking toward the boat. I guess the producers were worried the audience wouldn't make the connection.

8:05: P.S. Tenley definitely has Asperger's.

8:07: A tequila shot for "seeing a future with [Jake/Vienna/Tenley]." I'd be so drunk right now.

8:08: I should probably put pants on.

8:09: "I can't forget that fiery, physical connection." More proof that he can't think above his belt.

8:10: "The heat is building slowly, [Tenley]." Maybe she didn't fuck him in the Fantasy Suite. I'm shocked he didn't vote her off!

8:15: Nestor Almendros makes these sunsets look like Renny Harlin's. Excuse me while I take my geek pills.

8:18: God, these narrative arcs are gold. The drama, the moments of hesitation, then the saving moment! I bet there's a footnote on this show in the Poetics.

8:20: Tenley's gift has a better-crafted gift. ABC did well to furnish her that.

8:21: You gotta eat part of the worm for every "absolutely." And you can't rinse out with Patron.

8:22: "Tonight is the night that I prove to Jake that our physical chemistry is real." That means she doesn't wait 'till marriage. Some tradition, Pavelka, you fucking asshole.

8:27: Maybe Jake's dual emotional state is actually a radical formulation of gender roles in modern America. Nah, it's just titillation. Thanks, Walt; your legacy lives on.

8:29: A shot for every moody stare at the sun. Spielberg ain't got shit on this.

8:30: Vienna didn't get the showering shot until take 3, minimum.

8:30: Were there rings in that case, Soviet documents, or a machine gun? I couldn't tell.

8:31: Now the rings will decide. Can't wait for Ian McKellan to poke his head 'round the corner.

8:32: The teardrop budget on this show is more than my salary.

8:34: Will one woman wear their dress as a bridesmaid at Jake's wedding?

8:35: Alan Grant and Ian Malcolm can't figure out the seatbelts in those helicopters. Will they push the broads out to save themselves when they're pulling too much weight?

8:41: Chris Harrison thinks he's Tommy Lee Jones. What a dipshit.

8:42: Tenley's first. You know what THAT means!

8:43: (producer whispering in Tenley's earpiece): "Don't cry yet. Just wait till the light hits your face right."

8:44: Somebody get him a tissue.

8:45: I'd keep her away from sharp edges for awhile. At least until she gets out of character.

8:46: For nothing else, this is better writing than anything Akiva Goldsman could churn out.

8:46: A silent, desolate wind. Cue whistles. O luck.

8:47: "I'm never gonna forget you." That is, until he gets in Vienna's undahpanties again.

8:48: Tenley was the ultimate string-along. So many "special roses" she received. So many hopes, so many dreams. Sure as shit no Oregon hippy dad's gonna come and chop Jake's lady parts off; that'd be the Florida boy's job.

8:51: "He is a really good man." That's my line, lady. Let's talk this out over cocktails.

8:52: The SUV almost got stuck in a ditch. Hehehe.

8:58: They're looping the same "I know what I'm doing is right" line in the voice-over. 'Cause I never would've remembered it. Thx, ABC!!

9:00: "I'm completely in love with you." Amazing what can happen in 6 weeks.

9:01: BOMBSHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:02: Aw dammit, ABC. You're a buncha pricks.

9:02: Product placement for Neil Lane, bitches.

9:02: Howard Shore ain't got shit on that groundswell.

9:03: Montage! Jeffrey Osbourne! GREATEST SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:04: I am so alone.