Monday, February 22, 2010

Episode 2: Attack of the Cha-Cha (that means vagina.)

It's almost like reading Milton all over again.

Jake Pavelka discovers that his blonde angels are not pure. They have in fact been tempted by Satan! Or some rock-hard quick-dick. Can't really figure out which. How can ABC allow for such harlots and whores in front of their cameras? Mickey Mouse is lookin' through his telescope across the street, stainin' the sheets.

I think that every ten minutes or so, Jake and the babes toast something. Being a drunk: now that's traditional. Good work, Pavelka.

O wait a second, Xtina's blasted and confessing. That's not OK, Jake? Is that 'cause you can't force her to stay the fuck in the kitchen if she's on the sauce?

The editors are Emmy-less too. The reverse angles, the eyeline matches, the reaction shots, the cross-cutting--William S. Hart is crying his goddamn eyes out.

Super-pretty aerial shot of Griffith Observatory. I think I saw Jim gettin' in a knife fight. Stop him, Plato!

Despite surfaces, Ali just may actually be a Real Human Being. (I believe that this should be a classified species.) In other words, she's totally fucked.

I wonder if any of these bimbos are aware of the fact that Mr. Aw-Shucks-Shithead won't be spontaneously taking them to private concerts in the park when they start their lives together? BTW, was ABC's budget so depleted at this point that they could only get Chicago? I bet they woulda had to pay the band double if Ali's boobage flew outta that Louisiana maid-of-honor dress. This is a family show, you oozing c*#tjackers.

Elizabeth is better than Wallace Stevens. There. I said it. I DARE you to challenge that.

Ashley is, "like, almost done with [her] Ph.D." I can't wait to study Dostoevsky with her. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, you get what I'm saying.

Jake's gonna find a boiling rabbit on the stove. "All my love, Michelle." If only the writers had been able to milk that crazy storyline a little further...Oh, sorry, I meant that the cameras simply captured her true essence. Yeah, yeah, let's go with that.

So what's this Fall from Grace all about? Look above. Yeah. She fucked one of the show's producers behind Jake's back. Slutbag. I guess she's got nothin' goin' for her now. Except for shackin' up at Hef's place. U go, gurrrl! (BTW, what's the over/under on how much ABC paid Roz to fuck said producer?)

But witness the brilliance of it all! The jealous reaction shots throughout the episode; the setup of Roz's aggression; her "bewitching" of Jake. All the pieces were in place to the degree that we look like morons for not predicting it.

(P.S. Not really sure why the rest of the girls are crying about this. Were they all pining for Roz? Of course not! They just care about Jake that much! Get off the fucking couch and focus!)

By the way, did you know that each episode is 90 minutes, rather than the standard 45? All the more to bury your...heart in. Get your head outta the gutter, Pavelka, you sick fuck.

I wonder if Crate & Barrel has those poolside throw pillows in stock...

Pretty sure all women over 135 pounds are now rose-less. Told ya.

I'm starting to think that I've misunderstood what I've been seeing. Instead of cynically manipulating the American people into believing the myths of fairy-tales, The Bachelor is in fact actively creating a textual system, a grand syntagmatique that uses the sign as a way to acknowledge that love is indeed little more than a game.

Ah, I'm just kiddin'. Fuck this show.

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