Friday, February 26, 2010

Episode 5: Into the Vortex

I had a dream last night. I was hanging from my living room ceiling, barbed wire wrapped around my neck.

Several hours before, I had watched the glorious city of San Francisco turned into little more than an R-rated version of Disneyland. Coincidence? Yeah, that's what I thought. Somebody should call GloboChem to pitch that idea, tho.

Yes indeed, our dear Mr. Jaw-of-Steel-Jackoff paraded his final five fantasy spray-tan divas around the jewel of the Bay Area. Strap on your porous chastity belts; it's gonna be a bumpy night.

Looking out over Coit Tower with Tenley and Pavelka, I began to see that Tenley isn't mentally challenged. She's just a double for the real Tenley whose body Chris Harrison dumped over the side just moments before the two lovebirds arrived. The splat's more satisfying than a Spanish mission. ABC, however, totally fucked up Tenley's blonde look. I guess you can't win 'em all.

You wanna know what's even better than that? Chinatown is "like being in a foreign country!" Great! You're so perceptive and genuine, Jake, you racist fuck.

We got so close to seein' peen in vagine, but Jake just had to send Vienna away 'cause he was so courteous to Gia's feelings, so lonely upstairs in the castle without her Man. Never forget: Jake is such a good guy!

Before the writers struck gold with the Ali-Vienna drama, it looked as though Ali just might be a Real Human Being (still gotta find the scientific Latin name for the show's ever-endangered species). If the last few episodes weren't enough, this San Francisco native puts the nail in the coffin: "[Jake,] you showed me your home away from home [aviation]. And I thought that this would be my opportunity to show you my home away from home, which is my neighborhood." I'll give you a minute to let that soak in.
I think that this would be a good time to talk about the massive visage which you see above you. That is the face of "host" Chris Harrison. Who is this Douchey McSuckshaft, you may ask? He's from Oklahoma, as well as the host of TV Guide's red carpet awards coverage. That's about it. On the show, he appears out of nowhere with a glass of champagne in his hands. He may or may not be an alcoholic.

He is also acutely aware of just how stupid all of these people are. When Jake is on his last rose of the night, Chris swoops into the room to remind him of this fact, then swoops out. It turns out that Jake has the IQ of a seven-year-old child with ADHD. They lace his booze with Adderall.

As for Corrie...well, befitting the aquarium where Jake took her on her date, she is now sleeping with the fishes. Ooh, good line. I should save that for my screenplay.

Not that anyone didn't see that coming. ABC took great pains to make sure that footage of her stayed on the cutting room floor throughout the series. Now that it's down to four, there's no room for the "she's been on all episode and she's so great, I can't believe Jake would break her heart" psyche-out.

Did you know that every time Jake gives out a rose, an angel guns down a Laotian baby? Next time, think before you encourage this sort of behavior:

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