Sunday, February 21, 2010

Episode 1: Night of the Living Dead

So, for some reason, ABC felt that 8 of the contestants didn't earn their own little intro. segment. Whatever. Just makes more work for me, those Disney fuckers:

Jesse: Bubbly! Canadian! She may as well have pushed him to the ground and started dry-humping right then and there. Or maybe on the hood of the limo.

Kathryn: I'm pretty sure her dress went out of style at debutante balls in 1959. I'm also pretty sure she's hiding bags of oats underneath it. Blonde #7.

Corrie: "Whadya think about Kissi(ng)mee?" Uncomfortable reaction shot. "Kissimmee Florida, silly!" How the writers of this show don't have a truckload of Emmys is beyond me. Blonde #8.

Valishia: Hasn't she gotten the hint from Tiana? Dinosaurs don't last, gurrl!

Channy: Uh oh. She ain't white. That wouldn't be very traditional, now would it, Jake?

Ashleigh: Really? She pulled the "oops, I tripped right into your arms, OMG!" move? Oh, and that dress definitely shows off her cooch. Blonde #9.

Stephanie: She looks like Miley Cyrus. That makes Jake a pedophile. Throw that pervert in jail.

Sheila: Any woman in a gown and aviators will probably short-circuit anything bad I could possibly say about her. Oh wait: she has the eyes of a zombie. Blonde #10.


I think Tenley may have Asperger's. Jake will take her far; he is such a good guy!

The things the writers have the women say to him as they stroll out of the limo would get me laughed out of any bar in New York. What's worse, they don't even get a beer from the interaction.

Stylistically, the show is clearly a descendant of Citizen Kane. Sweeping crane shots make furniture appear next to swimming pools that just somehow weren't there before. Imagine that. Don't you always keep a chaise lounge and rows of candles right next to the glimmering water?

Corrie: "What are your top three priorities?"
Jake: "God, family, and friends."
I like one of those, one with conditions, and the other can go fuck itself. Can you guess which corresponds to which?

Ashley apparently needs to take "drastic action," expressed by a flight attendant's uniform. Jake claims that she must be really smart. Seriously.

Would ABC have edited out any boob-flashes during the "Blondes vs. Brunettes" football game? Of course! This is a family show, you fucking retards. (Whoa, I hope Palin isn't reading this.)

What do you think is worse for the state of women in America: this, or Twilight?

I retract the comment from the last post. The DVD fireplace by the pool is way better than the one in the house.

And that other couple from The Bachelorette? Do they want to rub salt on the wounds? I pity the poor disco ball that got turned into her dress. Ed smells like a piece of pond scum. Kinda like Yaniv Shulman.

Tenley (teary-eyed): "I don't know if I was ready to kiss someone new just yet." Tenley, by the way, was the one who asked for said kiss. Her mental condition is still in question.

So the real people all got shit-canned: Gap-tooth, Guardsman, 31-year-old, NBA dancer, Cambodian. ABC preserves their ratings.

Their dresses make the ladies look like they didn't get the memo about what the bridesmaids were supposed to wear. Get that sly joke? Yeah, I knew you could never be a contestant on The Bachelor.

I'm pretty sure that watching this show expedites Alzheimer's symptoms.

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