Monday, March 1, 2010


7:05 p.m.: Pwetty pwetty sunsets, Jakey-wakey!

7:08: I still think that Tenley has Asperger's (either that or the tabloid stories about her manipulativeness are really true). In an outtake, a girl said she "shits rainbows." I hope they taste like Lucky Charms.

7:11: Let the traditionalism begin! She'll be a good, submissive wife! Papa Pavelka can't contain his tearful joy over this!

7:14: Mama Bear is apparently thrilled that she'll be the glue to hold the family together. Those with 3-inch pythons between their legs are apparently not up to the task.

7:18: I think there should be a drinking game for every time we hear "falling in love," "rest of my life," and "drop your cocks and grab your socks." O wait...that last one is what I whisper to my teddy bear...

7:22: Now it's Vienna's turn. Don't worry: the writers and editors made sure that we could never get a neutral view of "The Florida Floozie." Jake's 10-foot-stick-up-their-asses family already hates her.

7:25: "If she 'poked' at the other women, then I worry about the sister-in-laws." Seriously, ma? Who gives a ratfuck?

7:31: I mean, Vienna pretty much sucks. So it's nice to see that the writers are feeding the family with the passive-aggressive angle. I'm almost in Blondie's corner.

7:36: "I so judged her, and I'm feelin' guilty about that." Phew! It ain't locked down yet!

7:38: Mama Bear terrifies me. She wants to control all. RUN, VIENNA!

7:39: They're in St. Lucia. And yet they green-screen some of the backgrounds. I need to start a fundraiser for this show's budget.

7:41: The voice-over "interviews" are edited from about five different audio sources. They shouldn't've taken the mic's from a high school A/V club.

7:46: Who's the chemist in the room? How do sulfur and silicone react?

7:47: We should probably take two shots every time we hear "chemistry."

7:48: A half-shot for "feels so natural."

7:49: A double shot for every champagne toast in a place where one wonders how they got the booze there!

7:54: I'm pretty sure that those seven different resorts they're using is just one building from different angles.

7:56: I think I just saw the bug in his ear, feeding him those comeback lines.

7:57: How will Jake feel when, while boning Vienna, she yells "Daddy" and means it?

7:58: ABC: "OK, ladies, be sure to tell him that you love him." "OK, Jake, only say that you're falling in love with the women. Men don't have to love."

8:00: No shot for "this journey." Just punch yourself in the face three times.

8:04: "It's tough being in love with two women at the same time." I've said it before, I'll say it again: If this man drops lines like this on you at an airport bar, turn back to your Danielle Steele novel.

8:05: "Are we going on this boat? Oh my GOD!" BTW, they were walking toward the boat. I guess the producers were worried the audience wouldn't make the connection.

8:05: P.S. Tenley definitely has Asperger's.

8:07: A tequila shot for "seeing a future with [Jake/Vienna/Tenley]." I'd be so drunk right now.

8:08: I should probably put pants on.

8:09: "I can't forget that fiery, physical connection." More proof that he can't think above his belt.

8:10: "The heat is building slowly, [Tenley]." Maybe she didn't fuck him in the Fantasy Suite. I'm shocked he didn't vote her off!

8:15: Nestor Almendros makes these sunsets look like Renny Harlin's. Excuse me while I take my geek pills.

8:18: God, these narrative arcs are gold. The drama, the moments of hesitation, then the saving moment! I bet there's a footnote on this show in the Poetics.

8:20: Tenley's gift has a better-crafted gift. ABC did well to furnish her that.

8:21: You gotta eat part of the worm for every "absolutely." And you can't rinse out with Patron.

8:22: "Tonight is the night that I prove to Jake that our physical chemistry is real." That means she doesn't wait 'till marriage. Some tradition, Pavelka, you fucking asshole.

8:27: Maybe Jake's dual emotional state is actually a radical formulation of gender roles in modern America. Nah, it's just titillation. Thanks, Walt; your legacy lives on.

8:29: A shot for every moody stare at the sun. Spielberg ain't got shit on this.

8:30: Vienna didn't get the showering shot until take 3, minimum.

8:30: Were there rings in that case, Soviet documents, or a machine gun? I couldn't tell.

8:31: Now the rings will decide. Can't wait for Ian McKellan to poke his head 'round the corner.

8:32: The teardrop budget on this show is more than my salary.

8:34: Will one woman wear their dress as a bridesmaid at Jake's wedding?

8:35: Alan Grant and Ian Malcolm can't figure out the seatbelts in those helicopters. Will they push the broads out to save themselves when they're pulling too much weight?

8:41: Chris Harrison thinks he's Tommy Lee Jones. What a dipshit.

8:42: Tenley's first. You know what THAT means!

8:43: (producer whispering in Tenley's earpiece): "Don't cry yet. Just wait till the light hits your face right."

8:44: Somebody get him a tissue.

8:45: I'd keep her away from sharp edges for awhile. At least until she gets out of character.

8:46: For nothing else, this is better writing than anything Akiva Goldsman could churn out.

8:46: A silent, desolate wind. Cue whistles. O luck.

8:47: "I'm never gonna forget you." That is, until he gets in Vienna's undahpanties again.

8:48: Tenley was the ultimate string-along. So many "special roses" she received. So many hopes, so many dreams. Sure as shit no Oregon hippy dad's gonna come and chop Jake's lady parts off; that'd be the Florida boy's job.

8:51: "He is a really good man." That's my line, lady. Let's talk this out over cocktails.

8:52: The SUV almost got stuck in a ditch. Hehehe.

8:58: They're looping the same "I know what I'm doing is right" line in the voice-over. 'Cause I never would've remembered it. Thx, ABC!!

9:00: "I'm completely in love with you." Amazing what can happen in 6 weeks.

9:01: BOMBSHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:02: Aw dammit, ABC. You're a buncha pricks.

9:02: Product placement for Neil Lane, bitches.

9:02: Howard Shore ain't got shit on that groundswell.

9:03: Montage! Jeffrey Osbourne! GREATEST SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:04: I am so alone.

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