Monday, March 1, 2010

The Epilogue: "After the Final Rose"

9:06: Aw Chris, why're you doin' this to this poor Tenley girl?

9:08: I think Harrison gets off on this kind of sadism.

9:10: The Bachelor: Bloom County Edition. Dandelions instead of roses.

9:10: "I still can't figure it out...We never saw each other's playful sides." Maybe the most honest thing anyone's said on this show. Ah, I'm just kiddin'. They're all fuckin' idiots.

9:12: "I think you deserve some answers." Harrison is so hopin' for a BJ after the show.

9:15: I love how nobody says each other's last names on this show. Elementary school for grown-ups.

9:17: "You smell so good." Total Aspie's kid.

9:18: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! Bring on the mud and bikinis!

9:20: "That spark is just one of those mysterious things." He means that the producers wouldn't get paid from the tabloids to keep "The Florida Floozie" going if he rubbed it out (he) with Vienna.

9:21: Dodgin' the hard questions. Pavelka is the Dallas's very own Scott Brown in a few years.

9:21: Even the audience knows he's full of shit. And finally she knows too.

9:27: Will Jake suggest a 3some tonight?

9:28: "She is such a great friend." How easily these things can turn.

9:28: "Vienna's my baby." And so it begins...

9:29: "Something was telling me that something just wasn't right [with Tenley]." Those were the writers, bro.

9:30: "On a scale from 0 to Mesnick..." "I had my bannister scene." Whoopsie! We're peekin' behind the curtain! And all we see is Vienna's cha-cha.

9:32: I could show Pavelka a thing or 12 about "heat" and "passion." Get it? Yeah, you got it. Now go get me a sandwich.

9:37: This chick is gross.

9:38: "How does it feel to be out in public?" Have they been keeping her in a cage?

9:39: I never noticed before, but she's kind of cross-eyed.

9:40: All tabloid stories denied. "Not based on facts at all." Somebody shoulda told ABC, 'cause that's what they wanted.

9:42: She's been practicing a really good Kristen Wiig impression.

9:46: "We're gonna introduce the families." O man, Florida white trash + Texas bourgeois = pure. goddam. gold.


9:47: Now they're dancing. This is fuckin' awkward.

9:48: The old bastard's had to drop the key down a step. He'd better be makin' bank for this shit.

9:49: I want that karaoke background they got playing on the studio JumboTron.

9:50: Bachelorette announcement after break. You better be right, Simmons: I got five large ridin' on this.

9:53: YES. I love you, Simmons.

9:53: Now I can't chase that booty when I'm in SF.

9:54: She and Tenley are wearin' matching dresses. Who'll be Vienna's maid of honor?

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